My family has reached the point where hard choices need to be made regarding my mother’s living arrangements. Over several posts, I’ve mentioned that my mother is declining. Her physical health has become more challenging in that her mobility is becoming more limited. Her cognitive abilities have also declined – she sometimes hallucinates, she is becoming slightly paranoid, she can no longer follow even basic shows on TV, and the activities that she can do on her own are minimal. She often does not know who she is or who I am – she generally calls me Betty, who was her sister. She also has more difficulty with basic functions, like eating and using the bathroom.

The most troubling issue is her mobility, as it means that she needs help standing and sitting and needs to sit in her walker to go even short distances. I am neither trained nor strong enough to manage her safely. She almost fell in the bathroom one day and would have fallen on me! I’m not sure how we would have managed to get us both standing again.

So, I have shared with my brothers that it is time to move her to a nursing home and to move her back to New York State. We have started the search for a place for her to live out her remaining time. Intellectually, I know this is the best thing for her and for me. It’s hard, though. When she moved down, we started with the premise that she would live with me until she died. In some ways, I can’t help but feel that I’ve let her down. Of course, moving her is the safe and responsible thing to do – I know that. What we know and what we feel do not always match.

When I put her to bed last night and she said, “I love you” and I said it back – it almost broke me. Will she find someone who will say that to her every night before she goes to sleep or every morning when she has breakfast? Probably not. Even though she drives me crazy sometimes, I want her to know every day that she is loved. I can call her, but the phone is not the same as being in person. I could move to be closer to her, but things will be different. I’m just so afraid that she will be the unpopular new kid who always eats alone and sits alone and lashes out because she is frustrated and scared.

I’m passing the torch to my brother, who is taking the lead in finding a facility that will meet her needs and be close enough so that he can regularly visit. We hope to find a place soon so that she can settle in. I hope she likes the new place and I hope she will be happy. Maybe she will make new friends or find an aide that she really likes. Maybe someone will tell her that she is special.