I went to the doctor for my 3-month diabetes check-in. I was not feeling well, as I had another infection. It had been a great 2.5 months without feeling sick, but now I’m back taking antibiotics again. Not only was I not feeling great, but my blood glucose (BG) levels had increased – this happens with illness so it was not surprising but it was disheartening. I felt so sad when taking my BG readings.
I was regressing back to where I had been a month earlier. I went from being within the target range of 70 – 180 mg/dL for about 90% of the time to about 50% of the time. My hard-earned, progressively decreasing BG averages were no longer decreasing but were increasing. I had not changed what I was eating and was taking my medication, but everything was different.
Perspective is interesting. I felt defeated when I arrived at and left the doctor’s office. Then, the test results started coming into my account portal and my doctor started commenting on the results. They were, according to her, “fantastic!” for only 3 months out! Everything was in the right direction! Things were good! Maybe we can talk about reducing the medication in the near future! I had been doing a great job!
Now what? How should I feel? I am not ready to feel good about things!
Pivoting between emotions is a challenge for anyone, but for those of us dealing with chronic illness, there is a special level of confusion when test results don’t match feelings. I recently read 1979’s I’m Dancing as Fast as I Can by Barbara Gordon, who is an Emmy-winning documentary producer among her other accolades. The book recounted the author’s experience with Valium addiction and withdrawal at a time when addiction to prescribed medication, withdrawal, and mental illness were not hot topics. The book was groundbreaking in showing the impact of drug addiction and unsupervised withdrawal. Her doctor told her that Valium was not addictive (not true), that he could just keep increasing the dosage (frightening), that maybe she should switch to something stronger (yikes!), and that she could just stop taking the drug at any time (downright dangerous). She stops taking the pills and experiences a massive breakdown, ending up in a facility for 5 months of intense withdrawal therapy.
Why am I talking about this book? First, I was drawn to the title. Between work, taking care of my mother’s worsening dementia symptoms, taking care of our home et al., dealing with workplace uncertainties, and now dealing with diabetes, I feel like I’m dancing as fast as I can. Second, I always find it interesting to see how different experiences can inform what we are going through. Sometimes we can learn from someone’s story even when, on the surface, they do not seem related. Barbara’s story is very different from mine and hers has a sense of acute and extreme terror that I do not share, but we both experienced the frustration of life changes and illnesses that made us question who we are – even at times in our lives when we had established careers and relationships with family and friends. We both faced problems and had to make decisions about how to deal with life when we don’t feel like ourselves anymore and are suddenly not sure how to function in the world. We both needed to ask for help, which is not an easy thing to do.
Over time, we process the changes and learn to cope, but there are times when it takes a while for awareness to set in. It also takes time to get over the “poor me” and “why me?” moments. It’s how we deal with these moments that really determine our future, in my opinion. I think everyone has moments in life where they feel a bit sorry for themselves, even when they know that, on balance, things are pretty good and could be a lot worse. It’s a natural human response. How to pick yourself up when you fall and how to maintain your balance in the face of uncertainty and fear are important skills to learn in life. Finding people who love and support you is pretty important, too.
