Life can be funny … not always “humorously funny” but strange or unpredictably funny, odd or sometimes regretable. It’s tempting to play the “what if” game. What would my life be like had I done X instead of Y or had I not taken a particular path. What if I could go back in time? Would I change anything? What if I had chosen a different career path? Would I be happier? Would I have advanced further?
At some point, I feel like I stalled out on my career path. I was moving forward until my mother came to live with me. This is by no means meant to blame my mother – it’s just the way things worked out. I needed to be closer to home, so the well-paying job with a long commute and highly engagingly/challenging workload transitioned to the closer and more convenient job with lower pay that was not as engaging. Eventually, I landed in between – the remote work job with better pay and engaging but limited workload became the balanced choice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful that my life is now balanced and that my work is no longer all-encompassing and that I can give my mother the attention that she needs and deserves. That still doesn’t stop me from wondering where I would have ended up had I not pivoted to care for my mother.
As for my personal life, I have questions there too. When working the highly challenging job, I was reading a lot and starting to knit again and working on my little children’s book. Everything seemed to be moving in a positive direction. I felt ALIVE! I had, what was for me, the perfect life. What if my life had not been upended? Well, I probably would have made more progress on my reading list. I would have knitted more and been more proficient in completing projects. I would have moved forward on my writing and maybe would have finished my book. Now, I’ve stalled on several fronts – reading, knitting, writing, going to activities in the evening or on weekends, spending time with friends, and other activities. I cannot really do anything while Mom is awake because she feels offended if I’m doing something without her. I can pick up my hobbies again once she is in bed but I’m often tired or want to relax. Weekends provide some opportunities to engage in hobbies, but I also need to spend time with Mom. The balance is hard to maintain.
One of the important things to keep in mind is that, when thinking about “what if” scenarios, we are assigning the conditions. However, we may not consider that context can change, and change the impact of those imagined scenarios in ways we cannot predict. For example, had I kept the job with the long commute, what would have happend during the pandemic? Would I have just worked from home – ending up as I am now but with a higher salary – or would my job have ended or changed? “What if” can go in multiple directions – with negative and positive impact. In general, I try to rein in my conception of different options. It’s safer to not allow myself to go too far down these roads not taken because there can be such a mix of opportunities and challenges. Also, focusing on these different options takes up time and mindspace that could be better used for things that actually make me happy.
