So, Mom and I have survived another Thanksgiving and are looking forward to the coming year. We are not sure what will come, but we hope to have more laughing, more fun, and more time to engage each other in conversation. Over this past week, we have watched movies, played games, and were entertained by the cat. At this point, life doesn’t get much better for my mother.
I bought Would You Rather Game Book for Seniors by Hanane Yassine and it was an interesting exercise. When Mom was asked whether she would rather have a moment with someone from the past OR look to the future to see what was ahead, she always chose the forward-looking option. This surprised me, as she asks daily about her brothers, sisters, and husband, all of whom have died. She similarly found our discussions about other questions interesting and she was full of opinions! This made our conversation lively and she was enthusiastic in her decisions.
Mom said she was thankful that she lives with me because we have fun and laugh every day. This is true, though it may be a somewhat too positive recount of our daily engagement. I’m glad that her memory loss filters out the frustration and any negative interaction. She remembers the good and forgets the bad. I am going to make a New Year’s resolution to follow this example!
For me, I am thankful for my family and friends who ask how I am doing. Full-time caregivers often feel isolated and forgotten. One of the frustrating things for caregivers is that the person receiving care becomes increasingly self-focused and sometimes forgets that they are not the only one facing challenges. When my mother first moved in with me eight years ago, she always asked how I was doing, how work was going, and whether she could help with cooking and cleaning – she did help with both. If I wasn’t feeling well, she noticed right away. Now, she no longer notices if I’m unwell or exhausted – it’s all about her. Although she asks if she can help, it’s a largely empty question because she generally cannot help. I understand and I don’t blame her for thinking of herself before me or for not being able to engage the way she did eight years ago. I know that she loves me and that has to be enough. It is what it is. At any rate, I’m grateful that I have people in my life on whom I can rely.
Mom and I always say that things could be worse. Her painful, arthritic knee could be unusable, her memory loss could include my brothers and me, and her capacity to do basic self-care could futher decline. For me, I could become further isolated from others and uninterested in hobbies. While we don’t know what may come, so far we are living good lives … it’s easy to forget that sometimes.
