I just read a newspaper article about a 102-year-old woman who still goes to work and exercises everyday and hasn’t lost a step. She is in great health, has an active life, and her mind is sharp. I wish her all the best and admire what she is still able to accomplish – I really do. But, it begs the question: why do some people live long, healthy lives and others face health challenges? A healthy diet, regular exercise, and a purpose in life can increase the odds of longevity and wellness. It can be tempting to attribute all good outcomes to healthy diets and exercise and to believe that you contol the aging process. Then, of course, you hear about a 40-year-old who eats healthy, exercises regularly, and collapses during their daily run. Or you hear about a 102-year-old who lives on diet coke and Oreos, does not engage in exercise, but really enjoys life. We cannot apply population-level insights to individuals – there will always be people who are outliers or go against the trend. And we are not able to predict with certainty who will win the aging lottery. Whether genetics or just luck, it seems like there are some serendipitous forces at play that contribute to how we age.
As a caregiver and a daughter, though, it’s hard not to be envious when reading about people who are able to carry on with life as usual at an advanced age. My mom was like this until about age 85. She drove everywhere, went out with friends, helped out at church, and so on. When she got sick and was over-medicated, she was unable to continue as she had and, even after her illness was over, she didn’t fully recover. I don’t know what she would have been like had her illness not happened – would she have had the same trajectory? At any rate, Mom at age 96 has limited mobility because of her arthritic knee and limited cognitive function because of severe dementia. So, yes, I’m envious when I read about people who experience a happier old age than my mother does. In a very basic sense: it’s not fair. My mother worked hard all her life and retired at age 75. She paid off her house. She saved her money. She volunteered and stayed active for another decade or so.
Having her last years be so limited makes me angry on her behalf. Actually, it makes me angry on my behalf as well! I would like to be able to go shopping with Mom and not have her be in pain or confused. I would like to watch simple movies and TV shows and not have to pause to explain what is going on. I would like to have a conversation that is not focused on which relatives have died and where the surviving relatives live. I would like to have a conversation that does not focus on why she no longer owns a house or a car. I would like to be able to run a 15-minute errand without leaving a note explaining where I am … and potentiallly coming back to her in tears because she was alone. I would like to be able to make dinner without her calling me every few minutes to see if I’m still home or to ask if she can help. I’d like her to get along with her caregiver better and not be frustrated over a game of BINGO. I’d like to have some time away to decompress. I’d like to be happy for my family and friends when they travel or go to dinner or go to a movie. I am sad to admit that I am petty when people talk about their activities, even though I want others to be happy and have fun.
I am writing this post after finishing my post about adjusting expectations and, while I tried to stay positive about and take pride in how we have made adjustments, I realized that I was also irritated that we had to make these changes in the first place. Then I read about the woman in the paper … and then a bunch of similar articles popped up in my news feed – people having a great life into their 90s and 100s. I cannot help but ask: why is my mother stuck with dementia? Why are we stuck dealing with it? The “why me” question is always challenging because there is no answer – we can’t say, “well, there was that time in 1995 … this is payback!” Really … it just is what it is.
The counteraction to “why me” is to realize that in many ways, we are very lucky. Mom’s health is generally very good and she still has the capacity to do many things for herself. We laugh every day. The last thing she says and hears before she goes to bed is, “I love you.” She has activities that she enjoys, even if they are a diluted version of what she did in the past. She enjoys the food she eats … particularly peanut butter and ice cream! She doesn’t have to live alone or struggle to keep her bills paid. In all of these ways, Mom is lucky. Yes, she misses her husband, her brothers, her sisters, and her lifelong companions and confidantes with whom she shared her hopes and dreams and adventures. But, she has a comfortable place to live and people who love her.
To caregivers out there, it’s okay to be irritated on behalf of the elder in your care and for yourself. You are human and are not perfect. You both deserve better. Please be gentle with yourself and don’t let these negative feelings fester. They don’t help and sometimes you end up being irritated BY and AT your loved ones versus irritated on their behalf. Being upset with a loved one who has dementia is a bad place to be, as they are unable to understand why they are confused and to process all they have lost. The title of this post starts with venting – all caregivers need someone to whom they can vent without judgment or someone trying to find a solution for them. They just need someone to say, “I hear you.”
When I’m stressed, I try to draw from experience to make things better. For example, it has helped to have someone come in to stay with my mother even when I’m working in the next room. For that time, I’m not the one responsible for her – removing myself from a situation can be an effective strategy. I also try to focus on doing a fun activity, like a jigsaw puzzle, with my mother so that I remember how great she can be. This changes up the story and makes life more bearable. In the evenings, I’ve become better at telling her when it is bedtime rather than waiting for her to say she is ready for bed. She doesn’t like to go to bed so gets overly tired and cranky but it’s better for her and she goes to sleep quickly. Taking charge can be for the best some times. Having these guardrails makes it easier to navigate our way through Mom’s aging process.
For all of those who are age 90+ and are still able to carry on a productive and fulfilling life, I hope you know how fortunate you are. Congratulations on winning the “happy life” lottery.
