My mother turned 96 years old last week and it was quite a success! My brother and niece came to visit and Mom turned on the charm. While she had her difficult moments, she was sharp – cracking jokes and laughing and enjoying the company of family. It was great to see her this way and we all had fun. We had good food, gifts, and games. It was like the old days when she could be witty and silly and flippant. My other brothers sent cards and gifts and called to celebrate with her. Her caregiver made banana pudding and brought a gift as well. All told, it was a good few days for her and she did a great job in staying positive.

She had some difficulties as well during our multi-day celebration. Mom has different “flavors” of loops. Most nights, her loop is a list of about 15 questions (where is she, where are her brothers and sisters, where are her children, where is her house, etc.) that she cycles through, over and over, for 2-3 hours. This is the loop that can tax my patience. It’s hard to divert her attention once she starts on this line of questioning. During the day, she sometimes gets on an second loop that includes quick shifts to snippy speech and irritation when she is frustrated and feels (as she describes) that people think she is stupid. Unfortunately, her caregiver is often the one to experience this one. I try to stay out of it, as her caregiver can often get her to snap out of this one and get back to having fun. Sometimes, though, I intervene. If she is too angry and gets nasty to her caregiver, I’ll be the bad guy and confront her – that way, her caregiver can be the consoling person in the scenario. After a bit, she doesn’t remember what’s going on and she is ready to play BINGO again!

Every so often, there is a third loop flavor: the shorter and sadder loop. This loop generally comes on when she is very tired, as she tries to understand who she is, where is home, who the others in the room are, and where she will sleep. It’s a more “personal” and vulnerable loop than the first flavor and it requires greater sensitivity. It’s similar to the usual first loop, but it is distinct even if some of the questions are the same. Her voice is quiet and vulnerable. This was particularly hard on my brother and niece – I’m used to this particular loop, but they haven’t seen or heard her like this. As I responded to her, I saw my brother tear up. I get it – it’s his mom … falling apart. This loop is beyond sad, it is sorrowful and depressing. As frustrating as the 15-question and the angry loops can be, this third type of loop is the worst of the lot. If the first flavor taxes our minds and the second is more of a gut punch, this third one breaks our hearts. Fortunately, the sad loop only lasted for about an hour on one evening, as she agreed to go to bed a bit early.

Most of our time together was positively memorable … at least for three of the four people gathered. Mom, of course, will not be able to remember much of her birthday. I hope it is recorded somewhere in her brain and that she can visit those memories. Maybe in her dreams or at times when she is talking to herself, she will at least remember that she is loved and that she can still be that fun and loving person who can make us all laugh.